So my period came almost exactly as my knight's plane landed. And now he is gone again. Gone during the blessed pre-ovulatory time of heightened feeling and arousal. And that is not even it, really.
The one time we had sex between these two trip, it was mediocre. It was forced and not automatic. I am sure some of that was pent up resentment on my part. Some of that was his tendency to loose new information immediately if it is not being used. It's like one step forward and two steps back. Then more resentment on my part, of course.
So, the night before he left town for the second time this month, we talked about it. My resentment. Ideas to rectify the issues. Not much can be done about his having to leave town twice this month. In effect, this makes him absent a third of this month!
This white orchid is definitely feeling blue. How old am I now anyway? Guess I'm thirty. Not so bad. At least we have a place to move forward from and something to practice in the meantime.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
With every word I say
Long week alone with two small children. My knight is coming home in the early hours of the morning. I'm patient of this plan, as humble as I can.
Intermittent frustration with people who can't hear the hypocrisy in the things they say. I often imagine what people think about my marriage. About how such a wonderful man stays married to me. The truth is, these things are not an issue for him. The things we fight about are so obscure from public life, that they cannot be imagined by the common bystander.
When I imagine people questioning our marriage, I always hope they think it must be the sex. Even during our years of dead sex, I hoped this. Now that I'm feeling more myself, at least sexually.... Well, pride is a sin, but something close to that. I want coworkers and their spouses to think that he is getting his brains fucked out on a regular basis. That must be why he puts up with my mouth. Little do they know that my mouth does not offend him, but I do fantasize about it pleasing him.
Everyone won't be my friend, but I have one friend. One lifetime friend. One friend who won't leave of his own free will. I hope I wake up when he comes to bed tonight. Luteal phase or not--early morning appointments tomorrow or not--I want to welcome him home the way I hope others imagine.
Intermittent frustration with people who can't hear the hypocrisy in the things they say. I often imagine what people think about my marriage. About how such a wonderful man stays married to me. The truth is, these things are not an issue for him. The things we fight about are so obscure from public life, that they cannot be imagined by the common bystander.
When I imagine people questioning our marriage, I always hope they think it must be the sex. Even during our years of dead sex, I hoped this. Now that I'm feeling more myself, at least sexually.... Well, pride is a sin, but something close to that. I want coworkers and their spouses to think that he is getting his brains fucked out on a regular basis. That must be why he puts up with my mouth. Little do they know that my mouth does not offend him, but I do fantasize about it pleasing him.
Everyone won't be my friend, but I have one friend. One lifetime friend. One friend who won't leave of his own free will. I hope I wake up when he comes to bed tonight. Luteal phase or not--early morning appointments tomorrow or not--I want to welcome him home the way I hope others imagine.
Monday, June 7, 2010
I am the other hand!
It should be known right away that I love Jack White and country music equally. Well, real country. Texas country. Classic country. Not so much Nashville Pop. This should not be too surprising, as it is all based on American Blues.
At nineteen, there were lots of things I was not aware of. Details about feminine cycle were out of my range of interests. Basic understanding, sure. Not the intricate dance between endocrine, organs, and brain. Being thirty and twice a mother, I am aware of all this. I am aware of when I ovulate. Sometimes I feel it, but always I know when it is about to happen and then the change afterward. Sex drive and sensation increase steadily up to ovulation. The last few days before it pops are the most intense and wild. Obviously that was the weekend at the hotel! That hotel trip was so productive, that until I ovulated, I was able to have thought orgasms again!
After ovulation, sex drive plummets. Orgasms come, if at all, differently with more effort. In the last few years, any sex drive I may have had was only right before ovulation. Post-ovulation was a time of no drive and no pleasure. We would go from two or three times the week before ovulation, to one or two times for the entire luteal phase.
That being said, since the hotel trip things have turned around. Libido lingers and orgasms arrive. We are still having sex five-ish times a week and my knight's smell is arousing me. Sure, this is milder sex. No bathroom counters or wild positions. Sex can't always be wild. If it were, what would be then be wild? Luteal sex is making love. Pre-ovulatory sex is fucking. I'm cool with that. Everyone needs a little fucking and a little love making to feel all happy and balanced.
So masturbation pun aside, lets get to the title of this post.
"In your arms I feel the passion, I thought had died"
This is soo true of our current situation!
"When I looked into your eyes, I found myself"
If this isn't our marriage, our partnership, our connection, I don't know what is.
"When I first kissed your lips, I felt so alive"
Our recent kisses are like having first kisses again! Since I feel alive, I can only imagine my knight is feeling alive in our kiss also.
"I've got to hand it to you girl, you're something else"
Totally feelin' like something else these days!
Listening to this on the radio, I realized it described our relationship to a T, except it is with each other and not extra-marital. I love our life, even when I'm luteal and thirty.
At nineteen, there were lots of things I was not aware of. Details about feminine cycle were out of my range of interests. Basic understanding, sure. Not the intricate dance between endocrine, organs, and brain. Being thirty and twice a mother, I am aware of all this. I am aware of when I ovulate. Sometimes I feel it, but always I know when it is about to happen and then the change afterward. Sex drive and sensation increase steadily up to ovulation. The last few days before it pops are the most intense and wild. Obviously that was the weekend at the hotel! That hotel trip was so productive, that until I ovulated, I was able to have thought orgasms again!
After ovulation, sex drive plummets. Orgasms come, if at all, differently with more effort. In the last few years, any sex drive I may have had was only right before ovulation. Post-ovulation was a time of no drive and no pleasure. We would go from two or three times the week before ovulation, to one or two times for the entire luteal phase.
That being said, since the hotel trip things have turned around. Libido lingers and orgasms arrive. We are still having sex five-ish times a week and my knight's smell is arousing me. Sure, this is milder sex. No bathroom counters or wild positions. Sex can't always be wild. If it were, what would be then be wild? Luteal sex is making love. Pre-ovulatory sex is fucking. I'm cool with that. Everyone needs a little fucking and a little love making to feel all happy and balanced.
So masturbation pun aside, lets get to the title of this post.
"In your arms I feel the passion, I thought had died"
This is soo true of our current situation!
"When I looked into your eyes, I found myself"
If this isn't our marriage, our partnership, our connection, I don't know what is.
"When I first kissed your lips, I felt so alive"
Our recent kisses are like having first kisses again! Since I feel alive, I can only imagine my knight is feeling alive in our kiss also.
"I've got to hand it to you girl, you're something else"
Totally feelin' like something else these days!
Listening to this on the radio, I realized it described our relationship to a T, except it is with each other and not extra-marital. I love our life, even when I'm luteal and thirty.
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