Addict
A label applied to me by a knowledgeable, trusted, professional. Someone in the business to know. So, being me, I decided to own it.
Now I sit and wonder what is a side effect of the addiction and what is just a personality trait that may have helped the addiction along. Is everything about me "addict"? Does "addict" cover it all? And how much of existing in a happy life rests completely on meeting a man who could make me trust him.
*****
Someone asked about how we met and our first date. At the completion of the story, where I reveal the important part on how the seed of trust started between my Knight and I, the one person audience says that sex in the morning is so much more romantic because it's intentional.
BLANK STARE
Romantic sex? A concept I have never thought about and certainly never experienced. And every time I engaged in sex it has always been very intentional. From that first time where I went to a friends house to have sex with him, then rescheduled for the next day after asking him if he had condoms mid-dry humping to the last man I picked up at a bar and told to be Professor Snape when he showed up at my apartment, I went into sex intentionally. Even when I was so drunk that I don't remember how I became undressed, I walked into the room intending to have sex. Any time that I was with a man and did NOT intend sex, sex did not happen. One situation I have previously blogged about was extremely frightening. Another was just sickening and another nail in the coffin of trusting men. Sex, though, is always intentional.
So back to addiction. Is my lack of romantic sexual experiences connected to addiction at one end or the other? There has been romance. Well, what I have considered romance. Ok, so washing one of my favorite dish towels so that I can tie it around my waist and clean the kitchen is romance. So there! Romance! Maybe I don't understand romance.
There is love. And trust. Love and trust are possible. Even for an addict.
A couple nights ago I was explaining the trust and sex conundrum to the professional who first said "addict" to my face. If a man has sex with me, I can't trust him. If he doesn't have sex with me, he is instantly frustrating and not worth my time.
There, in that little space between two adults making out in a parking lot, my Knight promised that if we went back to my place, we would not have sex that night. I didn't want to turn him into just another good man I fucked and then drove away. He didn't want to stop kissing me. We went back to my bed knowing that I would intend to sex and he would intend to resist. We fell asleep together on that small bed. He had kept his promise. First thing the next morning--penetration. It was not romantic. It was validation. I am desirable. He can keep promises, even when it is hard to do so.
It's important to remember that little space, as our life grows and diversifies. Remember how that little seed of trust got started, so we always know what to do.
