Everything seems to happen in clumps. There was the phase when we were all getting married. Then the baby phase. Now seems to be the phase of marital trouble. I guess that is what normally comes after the baby phase. Maybe this has to do with the new-relationship high. It is powerfully intoxicating and sets your whole body and soul on fire. I know it well. Usually it ends with a burn. Practically always. Did the burns cause my sexual confusion?
I didn't have that all-consuming high when I started dating my knight. We had lots of good times. I was attracted to him. To tell the truth, at that age I was attracted to almost anyone with a enough in his pants. My knight came with lots of stress, miscommunication, and fighting. Oh boy, was there fighting! In some ways our wedding was a business arrangement more than a whirlwind of excitement. Not having the high was actually a relief. High = BURN Somewhere subconsciously that was true. While we just kept fighting; we kept fighting. Eventually we got better at it.
Somewhere in that, I forgot how much I love dick. The intrinsic drive was all muddle up with the pain from all those burns. All the highs came with burns, even if I was the one holding the match. During the loss of passion phase of our marriage, I actively avoided touching him there. I lost a part of who I was because it was weighed down by anchor of guilt. Long past time to cut that chain.
During his last week home before this dry spell, I was sick. I couldn't get out of bed. I avoided kissing him so that he would stay healthy. No fun. When I should be aching for his touch from every pore, I was having trouble getting in the mood. I missed him. Just not in that full-body, uncontrollable lust that has re-entered my life. Thank God for instant messaging! My knight started telling me about a current fantasy. It involves going down on him in hotel kitchen. That was it, and I'm back. I do love a big cock in my mouth. His. Now I only want his. I want him. Being invigorated by my true friend and partner in life means there's no burn. Knight + High = Eternal Flame.
Maybe I missed that high when our relationship was new. Feeling pretty blessed to have it now. A new relationship with the only person I can trust completely. A high we made for ourselves and a solution to guilt vs. wanting dick. Just wish he was here to solute my solution.
--19 forced to me 31 sometimes.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
He's got me in his pocket.
Thinking a lot about choices lately. Certainly most people would not have made the choices I did. In fact, I wouldn't recommend doing so. How is it that I did everything wrong and ended up with so much right? My knight chose me. What was he looking for? What did he get? What was the price?
Spotted a former 2am "friend" when downtown with my knight on my birthday last week. Seems he is still very into 2am now eight years later. Probably about as much commitment as he can handle. That's fine for him. Although, it is men like him, lots of men, who say they would love a "nympho" wife. What they really want is a nympho at 2am, and then a regular wife. Passion--crazy--comes at a price. A price most men can't, or don't want to, pay. Would Mr. 2am stick it out through half a decade of bad sex, depression, and serious illness? You know the answer to that. Crazy doesn't stay in the bedroom (or, obviously with me, any other place). Crazy is everywhere, but it doesn't have to bad.
I've been in another man's pocket before. In a sinister way. An unstable way. Something with outside instability doesn't last long in my life. I have enough internal instability for any situation. The way my knight has been is different. He's done it the right way. He's held on with all his might and surrounded me with stability. And now he has his totally faithful, nympho wife again. His raging libido has a place to land. Forever. Forever together for each other. Lust and love. And day to day life. And he doesn't regret the payment. Or fear whatever may come in the future to hold it together. Passion makes life exciting. Just knowing a man like my knight exists adds a sense of continuity to the world. A good man also wants to have his brains fucked out on a regular basis. A man is a man is a good man.
Spotted a former 2am "friend" when downtown with my knight on my birthday last week. Seems he is still very into 2am now eight years later. Probably about as much commitment as he can handle. That's fine for him. Although, it is men like him, lots of men, who say they would love a "nympho" wife. What they really want is a nympho at 2am, and then a regular wife. Passion--crazy--comes at a price. A price most men can't, or don't want to, pay. Would Mr. 2am stick it out through half a decade of bad sex, depression, and serious illness? You know the answer to that. Crazy doesn't stay in the bedroom (or, obviously with me, any other place). Crazy is everywhere, but it doesn't have to bad.
I've been in another man's pocket before. In a sinister way. An unstable way. Something with outside instability doesn't last long in my life. I have enough internal instability for any situation. The way my knight has been is different. He's done it the right way. He's held on with all his might and surrounded me with stability. And now he has his totally faithful, nympho wife again. His raging libido has a place to land. Forever. Forever together for each other. Lust and love. And day to day life. And he doesn't regret the payment. Or fear whatever may come in the future to hold it together. Passion makes life exciting. Just knowing a man like my knight exists adds a sense of continuity to the world. A good man also wants to have his brains fucked out on a regular basis. A man is a man is a good man.
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