After announcing our engagement, a sister told our relatives that I was marrying my knight for his money. By that time, this was not true.
What is true is that I had spent the previous couple of years seeking a man who would support me financially. I did start dating him because he could buy me dinner. Is that so crazy when I was living on mostly yogurt? Who puts up a fight walking out of Hell? Six months later, when we started planning a wedding, he had already seen a whole lot of dark shit with his eyes open and not becoming scared. He had also been my longest lasting relationship at that point.
Those many times in between doomed relationships were not empty. I was never good at lonely and I didn't have to be. Didn't matter that I was never beautiful. Didn't hurt that I had a body, while not small, was round in all the right places. Really, though, it's because I was a woman wanting something from a man. That's it. And I got all kinds of things from men.
Recently loneliness has crept back into my life. Can I really complain that paying my bills means my knight has to travel? My world crumbles every time I leave him at the airport. Everytime searching for some new, safe, way to fill the loneliness. Looking for someone to play with me through words. A world of words is what I have.
It is no coincidence that I was already trying to live out fantasies of being owned with I met my knight. He likes to own everything. I like that he owns me. Ownership and desire. He needs one, I need the other. Until recently just getting it from the other person has been enough. But I never was good at lonely. While he can own many things inanimate, desire has to come from another human being. Often drunk and alone late at night, I have been soliciting it. Got more than I bargained for.
Cut loose and high, I strutted through the rain to see a former playmate. Really, it was just for a laugh, as I had no obvious indication from him that he found me at all interesting any longer. Then he fucking picked me up. Like I said, I haven't been small since turning 16. To be picked up like it was nothing feels like flying. I haven't been picked up like that in nearly a decade, as my knight did not focus on growing upper body strength as a teenager. Now it's too late. I realized this feeling is the driving force behind all my "fucking against a _____" fantasies. But the night did not end there. In saying goodbye, this former playmate picked me up again and shared his desire with me. Strong and palpable desire.
The next afternoon, alone in a cold bath, I had a pit in my stomach thinking about never again orgasming to that feeling of lightness and desire. A few days after that, I broached the subject with my knight. The good owner he is, he suggested a possibility that would open up my experiences for now, while reaffirming his ownership of my body. Since then, he is sharing all sorts of new desires with me. Things that can happen. That I would enjoy. That we can both enjoy. I don't know how long this hypersexual phase of our marriage will last, but I plan to ride it for all it's worth. And keep falling in love with my knight anew.
And I thank that playmate for clarifying my desires by sharing his own.
