Is never on the menu.

I had an experience tonight.  Disturbing.  I want to tell my Knight about it, but he is far away and out of time with me.  Now that I have it resolved in my mind, I can't hold it in until I talk to him next.  He will have to read it here.  That upsets me, but it is also an alternative purpose of this blog.

Lets start with some background.  I have fallen in love with women throughout my adult life.  In truth I was first in love with a woman before I ever sought a male sexual partner.  Being able to fall in love with a person regardless of gender I believe is ubiquitous female characteristic.  What makes me different from every woman I know, is that even though I have fallen in love with women, I have never had any sexual urges for one.  Ever.  My first female love interest, I think I wanted to live inside her skin, to be near her always, but I never wanted to kiss her or to touch her sexually.  I have only lusted for men.

Later, after I became sexually active, I had a much more casual stance when I found myself falling for a woman.  What did it matter? So I had a slightly stronger attachment to one friend over the others.  It wasn't quite the same as other loving friendships.  I have, for instance, never felt I was in love with the woman that I consider my very best friend.  It's a part of my emotional make-up that I have never really thought about or had a clear understanding.  It hasn't factored largely in my lifestyle.

I have had feelings of being in love with one woman friend for several years.  Hasn't really affected anything.  Several months ago that started to change.  She, not knowing she was doing this, offered up a surrogate man for me to put in fantasy.   When she described a relationship situation she wished she had with this man who is her soulmate, I realized that if I was not already spoken for, I could fill her desire.  Even at that point it didn't have a major effect on my life.  Perhaps the occasional, fleeting, vague fantasy.

To me, a truly married couple is like one person.  I know I often feel like my Knight and I combined are a whole person.  He is my soulmate.

Things have been difficult the last few months.  I was, am, dealing with stress related depression.  I have not felt my sexual self for a couple months or so.  This is my first ovulation cycle where I am again overcome sex thoughts.  Since my Knight is far away, I am talking about sex with all my friends who are willing to do so.  After confessing to the friend that I have had passing fantasies about her and her soulmate, those fantasies started to consume my mind.  Not only that, they became more detailed and increasingly fantastically erotic.  By fantastically, I mean not something that could happen in real life with real physics.

I didn't meant for these fantasies to get this way.  I was frustrated with myself when I did.  I eventually let go, let the fantasies take over, and got off to them with my glass dildo inside for help.  I sat there for over an hour with the dildo still inside, feeling ashamed.  Finally I pulled it out and held the warm glass in my hands.  I smelled it and realized instantly what my REAL problem is.

With all the depression recently, my Knight and I have been at each other a couple times a week or LESS!!  His smell is not on me!  I knew sitting there with the warm glass that only smelled of me, that if I could smell is brand on me, I would never have vivid fantasies about another real life person.   Whatever strange and stray fantasy emotions that may cross my self, if I can smell my Knight's brand, I feel safely anchored to him.  There is nothing in my life I feel more strongly about that my relief to be anchored sexually to my Knight.  Whatever happens, he will be there to take care of me and I will encourage him to reach levels of pleasure he has only dreamed of.

Tomorrow my Knight will come home.  Every desire I am currently experiencing is wrapped up in smelling him next to me.  The smelling him mixed with me.  Then feeling him in charge of me.  I don't know any love stronger than the love I feel for him.  It's more than being in love.  It's more than being in love AND being in lust.  It's a connection that consumes me.  My love for him is my world.

When the song takes over me.

So I can't keep quiet for long. This new album is milk and honey on my soul. It's so powerful that I had to listen to Ledbelly this morning just for a break. As for my sex life these days, it's up and down. This is one of those lovely hard times. My knight and I are still very much in love. Things came to a head and I had to put severe pressure on him to get all his stuff out of my house. We are still in that process. His spending any available daylight to move stuff into his warehouse in the front yard has put a pause on our liaisons. Morning is too crowded and by nighttime I am too exhausted. Oh, we've still had the occasion nighttime sex. It's not the same. I am sometimes having to use extreme self control to keep from pulling him away while he is clearing. And now he is gone again. So much traveling. When I look at this situation straight in the face, I am overwhelmed. Trying to focus on little things, trusting that this hard time will be over and our passionate life will pick back up. I can't fight it or sit still. I may have to make a powder blue pair of full seat breaches with matching vest.