And, Lord, I sure got a wobble in my walk!
There hasn't been enough time for my Knight to take me in his arms and talk romance. Sometimes I feel after almost 9 years together, we are set in our grooves. And I am definitely chafing.
Not sure what it is. Maybe it's just a result of stress at home from all this turmoil. Maybe the safety of my cage is starting to feel too safe. There are things I can do and be in this safe space created by my love. A wonderful life I have hidden inside for nearly a decade. I love this life. I always want to have his space that outsiders can't invade. The problem comes that I am feeling power surge through my still relatively young body. The body wants to go hunt, and then run home to lick my wounds.
I got the chance to do this last week. It was thrilling. When my Knight and I go out, I like to turn on the whole room, but only from afar. I want the men to want me. I want the men to desire to be my husband--at least for right then. My recent venture was without my man to hold onto. I was on several club dance floors. Touching and drinking and partying. I woke up the next two mornings in pain. And confused.
I want to go do that again! That was open and scary, I want to stay here and hide! Then a friend's blog post talked about growing up, and to this day, struggling with self power. Letting what people say affect how she acts. Using ugliness to feel elevated. That's not the way to be great. The way to the center is to treat people well and walk away from ugliness. So am I headed towards clubbing with friends becoming a regular part of my life again? Can I show women my age what it's like to be young and lovely? By that, I mean can I do so and not get lost out there in the wild world.
Tonight I feel secure inside my home. With secure comes the ability to venture out. What has brought this deep sense of stability? Learning something new with my Knight. We have finally bridged a gap for both of us. He has found a new interest, that was a variant of our primary goal. A cloud has finally lifted for me. I have finally had an anal sex experience that was not scary, emotionally belittling, or painful. Sitting here typing, I feel warm, glowing, and like I will be waking someone up in a few minutes. My Knight half grunting, "God! _(my name)_!" when he came with his cock in one hole and his finger in another will be dominating my fantasies for quite awhile. With a love bubble this bright, there is no way I could lose sight of it when wiggling my toes in the murky world outside.
