May 29, 2010
Dear Mr. White,
I often wondered what it is about you that feeds my lustful crush. As you are a celebrity, this crush in no way was going to damage my marriage. However it did exert an effect. I don't usually have celebrity crushes. Sure, I may appreciate the male human form that embodies strength and power, but when it comes to fantasizing my thoughts return to my husband. I love him. Then you entered my fantasies. What is it about you? Finally I realized.
You always seem to be nineteen. Years don't seem to matter. Nineteen describes your vigor, your intensity. Nineteen. At nineteen I was, well lets say promiscuous. I reveled in the power of sex. Conquest and lust drove my socializing. Smells. As I've aged and had children, the memories of sadness permeate that time in my life. I was, internally, very sad as I fucked and belittled men. In the midst of all that sadness, I was rescued. A true rescue by a knight in shining armor. He came and showed me that real men don't hide from conflict. Real men come back, show up, stay. He listened. He saw who I was and stayed.
I always swore I would not be one of those to let having kids get in the way of wild sex. Circumstances combined to prove otherwise. First off, my knight came to me with very little sexual experience or innate knowledge. This was not a concern at first, because it was often discussed that I would be the right fit to draw and train the sexual animal in any man. Right after getting married we started trying for a baby. I was eight months pregnant on our first anniversary. Unlike the stories I heard all my life, I lost any and all vaginal feeling as my pregnancy progressed. Also, I was a bitch. Well mostly. Progesterone and I are not friends. Despite lack of feeling, we continued to have regular sexual activity on his request.
Maybe the resentment started when I was not well supported as a new mother. Maybe it was the lack of feeling involved in our sex life. I still loved my husband, but I was not feeling sexual. He would sometimes reminisce in kind of a complainy way how I wouldn't do certain things any longer. Eventually, after the second baby, our sex life died. I died a little bit. And we were apart for 6 months. Not in a separated from marriage way, just physically in two different states. Sure he would visit. During those visits we would mostly fight and I did not want to have sex with him. I started to feel like the rest of my life would be spent in a loving, passionless relationship. That nineteen year old in me was dead.
Then came Jack White and my lustful fantasies of you. Always in my other fantasies, it would be my husband doing things, and making me feel things. Often these were things that other men had done or made me feel. But I enjoyed fantasies of you and your nineteenism. I needed to remember the good from nineteen and center my thoughts on how to make that happen again.
So we've been trying. And sometimes its there and sometimes its not. Really, lots of knowledge faded over the years of having babies and we needed to start all the way at the beginning. Even his kiss was missing something primal. I know he lusts for me, but has difficulty expressing it.
Last night I had insomnia at the right time. The last few days, really, have been a time of clarity in the early hours of the morning. And clarity came. What would bring the feeling of passion back to our kiss. The steps to teaching him to please me and stimulate different areas. The feeling of power and excitement in pleasing him. We were in a hotel and the kids were together in the other queen sized bed. We never have regular bed alone any more. I had to go under the sheets to wake him up to share. He woke up. We spent a long time just kissing. Passionate kisses. I found my voice to give instructions and express lustful pleasure. Small "lessons" combined with passion instead of feeling clinical. Around 5 a.m., on the bathroom counter, exhaustion hit me. So my knight finished by stimulating himself while caressing me dozing in cool bath. I felt perfection in that moment. I wanted him to feel me and masturbate. Over the years, despite the downturn in sex, we became good friends. We are going to be together forever... and it is going to be fun. Sometimes I will be nineteen.
Thank you, Jack White, for bringing the good of nineteen back to my thoughts. Thank you for kick-starting this journey of sexual discovery within my marriage. Thank you for being eternally nineteen, at least in my head.
Sincerely,
Sometimes 30, sometimes 19.
