Gestation

I think this post is going to turn out happier than I expected. I went today to visit the baby that is not mine. A baby conceived within days of our anti-miracle. A baby that was born this week. Not my baby. I did not hold her.

The last few days I have been feeling bad about this. Feeling bad about myself. Wishing my Knight were here to fuck the memories away. Feeling bad about using sex to hide depression.

Tonight I am feeling OK about that. All of it. Someone once told me that touch must be my primary form of connection to other people. That sounds true. Really, though, I don't care what's right or wrong. I don't have to understand.

Gestation is just a phase of life and it comes to an end. Maybe that is what I need to make my grown up decision. To have an end to this phase of my life. I am never going to have another baby.

Yesterday is dead and gone. I can focus on all the pain, or just remember all the kindnesses. So many kindnesses through the years. So many kindnesses to share tomorrow. If we are happy, we need never worry about what is right. Whatever new adventures to come are out of sight. We won't be facing them alone. I won't be facing them alone.