Is healthy sex a contraption? Then I guess the problem is loneliness?
I've always felt like a bad person with good intentions. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I've at least shed the guilt from being selfish by the truth of my love. I love my husband. I really love him. My knight.
Recently we endured a frustrating house guest situation. I am selfish. I expect house guests to help. I add up the cost of water for every bath they take. I am not a good person. I only have good intentions.
There can't be two good people in one couple. One person has to accept the good intentions of the other without judgment of past. I went to see XMen by myself last Friday. Despite drinking a couple strait vodkas before heading into the theatre, I was sober by the end. (Call me spoiled by Alamo Drafthouse) I came out strutting. What is it about being different that makes me feel mutant? What is it about an XMen movie that makes me feel proud to be mutant? To feel wrong? I don't know. But I felt strongly that added to the cockiness I always felt was self assurance.
The difference between just cockiness and cockiness + self assurance: In the past I would strut wearing tight, revealing clothing feeling pretty sure that men watched me because I knew I was good. Now I strut because. If men are watching me, I may notice and I may not. If I do notice, it is obviously because I am everything. If, by some absurdity, someone is watching me NOT in awe, they are in awe in my mind. In my mind, my strut draws all attraction. Then I spill all that attraction onto my knight. Maybe not needing another outlet creates the self assurance. Who cares?
After my recent growth in core strength, and being fully satisfied in one position, I wanted to try my skills in another. My knight has fucked me kneeling against a wall many times. Could I free-kneel and make him come? Could I take the thrust without support? The answer is yes. I can. It was good.
Is feeling this way a reaction to years of heartbreak? Making sense of it all takes a whole lot of concentration. I do love. So Much. Is that the cause of this sex drive, or just to prove myself better. Either way, we are happy, even if it takes me strutting a bit and nights alone. Even if my good intentions pave my road to Hell. If I can inspire healthy married sex lives for my friends and children, my life has meaning. Whatever the cause, the effect can be good.
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