So I have a new blues love.... He doesn't incite me with lust. Well, not any more than any random man. What he did was write and record a blues based submissive love album. Can I take this as a positive sign from the Lord that my family is not in the right place to welcome a new baby? Or maybe a forgiveness? One reason for growing a new person would be a hormone reset. I continue to struggle with the fucked that anti-depressants left with me. Still, I don't regret the decision. There wasn't much of a choice when I accepted them into my body. My body. Created by sex, intended for sex. My body. Turned off by pills that masked, but not healed, the shit. It still clung to me. Fuck it. I want my body back. I have for a long time.
I will find my way back. If this blog is proof of anything, it's that I can crawl my way back to reveling in sex. Crawl my way back to who I AM.
I hit a fucking wall. My knight, my lover, lost a bit of himself as I drained away. I was so tired trying to pull myself back, I didn't know how to bring him with me. Turns out what I needed was a new Siren's song. A new baby musician had to make something sweet that could pull my heart, soul, and pussy back from fear. I'm not afraid to forfeit responsibility. Only afraid that it will be dropped when I let go. Not afraid to be owned. Only afraid that my owner is to busy fighting his own battles to take care of me. I know that's true because my eyes fill with tears as I type it.
I know now. I know from the way Hozier's voice makes me feel. I know that I need to release for my knight to be in charge again. We can't stand facing each other, waiting for the other to move first. I don't want any other owner but him. I will let go, and trust him to catch us both. I know he intends to keep me.
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