The Beginning of December

I fell down, of course. And then I got back up, of course, and started over....

Since my last post, I have been 19. Possibly 17. Imagine your one and only love, who is the center of your seventeen year old world, leaving for two whole weeks. Excruciating. If I were really seventeen, that would have about ten exclamation points. About a week into that intense of feelings, my thirty-one year old body could not take much more. Depression set in. Not that this produced any less intense feelings. Every minute away from my night is still a dagger to my heart.

The guilt came after our first child. A daughter. A daughter who I never wanted to experience what I did as a young "adult". Guilt of my pain. Guilt of the infamy I brought to our relationship. Guilt as a result of my knight coming relatively clean to me. Guilt of trying to teach my daughter to prevent the pain. The origin of guilt. Nothing associated with my earlier life was clean. All dirty by association. Obviously this was too broad a net.

One of the things I felt guiltiest about was wasting the intense feelings on boys not worth it. This new intense passion for my knight washes away the guilt. It's everything of a first love. It's everything of an Only Love. It's all consuming. All day. All night. Too much for this old body to handle. Boy is it exciting!

The second day into defeat at the hands of hormones, my knight rode in. He reminded me that being aroused, no matter how aggressively, trumps depression. As usual, he is spot on. On my spot. He also started blogging his fantasies, so that I could be reminded of wild libido anytime I start to forget. Needless to say that I am crouched like the demon waiting for my Pan to take over. My bearded goat-man. I've taught him the lessons he's missed and he wants to take me over.

No guild for the father of my daughter. The father of my son, who I hope to raise to treat his love like his father does. After all of this.. despite of all of this.. because of all of this, I'm the same girl I've always known.