Maybe this post should be name, "If there is anything good about me". Either way. I don't feel that I can make grown up decisions. Well, really one grown up decision. What's the lesson here? That I can't play nineteen any longer?
I have not closely tracked my ovulation, but it felt like my knight might have made it home in time. Now I know that was not the case. I know for a very obvious reason. What makes it worse is that I woke up thinking that I don't want another baby. I love my life. I am excited about my life. I have an amazing and cool husband who gets my rocks off and is building me a massive high bed (think pool table); two awesome kids; and celebrity lust addiction. My life is moving ahead.
I don't understand why this thing had to happen. The miscarriage thing. Half the month I feel like this baby idea is crazy, and half the month I obsessively take pregnancy tests. My conscience is definitely corrupt. It can't last this way forever. I will run out of thyroid drugs and no one will prescribe for me what I am doing with them.
The problem is that now I can't make the decision not to keep trying. At the same time, my knight cannot make that decision without risking my unconsciously holding it against him. I had moved past any and all anger I felt about the vasectomy before this happen. The miscarriage. Why does this shadow my life? My miracle baby that is never to be. My anti-miracle.
