So my period came almost exactly as my knight's plane landed. And now he is gone again. Gone during the blessed pre-ovulatory time of heightened feeling and arousal. And that is not even it, really.
The one time we had sex between these two trip, it was mediocre. It was forced and not automatic. I am sure some of that was pent up resentment on my part. Some of that was his tendency to loose new information immediately if it is not being used. It's like one step forward and two steps back. Then more resentment on my part, of course.
So, the night before he left town for the second time this month, we talked about it. My resentment. Ideas to rectify the issues. Not much can be done about his having to leave town twice this month. In effect, this makes him absent a third of this month!
This white orchid is definitely feeling blue. How old am I now anyway? Guess I'm thirty. Not so bad. At least we have a place to move forward from and something to practice in the meantime.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
With every word I say
Long week alone with two small children. My knight is coming home in the early hours of the morning. I'm patient of this plan, as humble as I can.
Intermittent frustration with people who can't hear the hypocrisy in the things they say. I often imagine what people think about my marriage. About how such a wonderful man stays married to me. The truth is, these things are not an issue for him. The things we fight about are so obscure from public life, that they cannot be imagined by the common bystander.
When I imagine people questioning our marriage, I always hope they think it must be the sex. Even during our years of dead sex, I hoped this. Now that I'm feeling more myself, at least sexually.... Well, pride is a sin, but something close to that. I want coworkers and their spouses to think that he is getting his brains fucked out on a regular basis. That must be why he puts up with my mouth. Little do they know that my mouth does not offend him, but I do fantasize about it pleasing him.
Everyone won't be my friend, but I have one friend. One lifetime friend. One friend who won't leave of his own free will. I hope I wake up when he comes to bed tonight. Luteal phase or not--early morning appointments tomorrow or not--I want to welcome him home the way I hope others imagine.
Intermittent frustration with people who can't hear the hypocrisy in the things they say. I often imagine what people think about my marriage. About how such a wonderful man stays married to me. The truth is, these things are not an issue for him. The things we fight about are so obscure from public life, that they cannot be imagined by the common bystander.
When I imagine people questioning our marriage, I always hope they think it must be the sex. Even during our years of dead sex, I hoped this. Now that I'm feeling more myself, at least sexually.... Well, pride is a sin, but something close to that. I want coworkers and their spouses to think that he is getting his brains fucked out on a regular basis. That must be why he puts up with my mouth. Little do they know that my mouth does not offend him, but I do fantasize about it pleasing him.
Everyone won't be my friend, but I have one friend. One lifetime friend. One friend who won't leave of his own free will. I hope I wake up when he comes to bed tonight. Luteal phase or not--early morning appointments tomorrow or not--I want to welcome him home the way I hope others imagine.
Monday, June 7, 2010
I am the other hand!
It should be known right away that I love Jack White and country music equally. Well, real country. Texas country. Classic country. Not so much Nashville Pop. This should not be too surprising, as it is all based on American Blues.
At nineteen, there were lots of things I was not aware of. Details about feminine cycle were out of my range of interests. Basic understanding, sure. Not the intricate dance between endocrine, organs, and brain. Being thirty and twice a mother, I am aware of all this. I am aware of when I ovulate. Sometimes I feel it, but always I know when it is about to happen and then the change afterward. Sex drive and sensation increase steadily up to ovulation. The last few days before it pops are the most intense and wild. Obviously that was the weekend at the hotel! That hotel trip was so productive, that until I ovulated, I was able to have thought orgasms again!
After ovulation, sex drive plummets. Orgasms come, if at all, differently with more effort. In the last few years, any sex drive I may have had was only right before ovulation. Post-ovulation was a time of no drive and no pleasure. We would go from two or three times the week before ovulation, to one or two times for the entire luteal phase.
That being said, since the hotel trip things have turned around. Libido lingers and orgasms arrive. We are still having sex five-ish times a week and my knight's smell is arousing me. Sure, this is milder sex. No bathroom counters or wild positions. Sex can't always be wild. If it were, what would be then be wild? Luteal sex is making love. Pre-ovulatory sex is fucking. I'm cool with that. Everyone needs a little fucking and a little love making to feel all happy and balanced.
So masturbation pun aside, lets get to the title of this post.
"In your arms I feel the passion, I thought had died"
This is soo true of our current situation!
"When I looked into your eyes, I found myself"
If this isn't our marriage, our partnership, our connection, I don't know what is.
"When I first kissed your lips, I felt so alive"
Our recent kisses are like having first kisses again! Since I feel alive, I can only imagine my knight is feeling alive in our kiss also.
"I've got to hand it to you girl, you're something else"
Totally feelin' like something else these days!
Listening to this on the radio, I realized it described our relationship to a T, except it is with each other and not extra-marital. I love our life, even when I'm luteal and thirty.
At nineteen, there were lots of things I was not aware of. Details about feminine cycle were out of my range of interests. Basic understanding, sure. Not the intricate dance between endocrine, organs, and brain. Being thirty and twice a mother, I am aware of all this. I am aware of when I ovulate. Sometimes I feel it, but always I know when it is about to happen and then the change afterward. Sex drive and sensation increase steadily up to ovulation. The last few days before it pops are the most intense and wild. Obviously that was the weekend at the hotel! That hotel trip was so productive, that until I ovulated, I was able to have thought orgasms again!
After ovulation, sex drive plummets. Orgasms come, if at all, differently with more effort. In the last few years, any sex drive I may have had was only right before ovulation. Post-ovulation was a time of no drive and no pleasure. We would go from two or three times the week before ovulation, to one or two times for the entire luteal phase.
That being said, since the hotel trip things have turned around. Libido lingers and orgasms arrive. We are still having sex five-ish times a week and my knight's smell is arousing me. Sure, this is milder sex. No bathroom counters or wild positions. Sex can't always be wild. If it were, what would be then be wild? Luteal sex is making love. Pre-ovulatory sex is fucking. I'm cool with that. Everyone needs a little fucking and a little love making to feel all happy and balanced.
So masturbation pun aside, lets get to the title of this post.
"In your arms I feel the passion, I thought had died"
This is soo true of our current situation!
"When I looked into your eyes, I found myself"
If this isn't our marriage, our partnership, our connection, I don't know what is.
"When I first kissed your lips, I felt so alive"
Our recent kisses are like having first kisses again! Since I feel alive, I can only imagine my knight is feeling alive in our kiss also.
"I've got to hand it to you girl, you're something else"
Totally feelin' like something else these days!
Listening to this on the radio, I realized it described our relationship to a T, except it is with each other and not extra-marital. I love our life, even when I'm luteal and thirty.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Fan Letter
May 29, 2010
Dear Mr. White,
I often wondered what it is about you that feeds my lustful crush. As you are a celebrity, this crush in no way was going to damage my marriage. However it did exert an effect. I don't usually have celebrity crushes. Sure, I may appreciate the male human form that embodies strength and power, but when it comes to fantasizing my thoughts return to my husband. I love him. Then you entered my fantasies. What is it about you? Finally I realized.
You always seem to be nineteen. Years don't seem to matter. Nineteen describes your vigor, your intensity. Nineteen. At nineteen I was, well lets say promiscuous. I reveled in the power of sex. Conquest and lust drove my socializing. Smells. As I've aged and had children, the memories of sadness permeate that time in my life. I was, internally, very sad as I fucked and belittled men. In the midst of all that sadness, I was rescued. A true rescue by a knight in shining armor. He came and showed me that real men don't hide from conflict. Real men come back, show up, stay. He listened. He saw who I was and stayed.
I always swore I would not be one of those to let having kids get in the way of wild sex. Circumstances combined to prove otherwise. First off, my knight came to me with very little sexual experience or innate knowledge. This was not a concern at first, because it was often discussed that I would be the right fit to draw and train the sexual animal in any man. Right after getting married we started trying for a baby. I was eight months pregnant on our first anniversary. Unlike the stories I heard all my life, I lost any and all vaginal feeling as my pregnancy progressed. Also, I was a bitch. Well mostly. Progesterone and I are not friends. Despite lack of feeling, we continued to have regular sexual activity on his request.
Maybe the resentment started when I was not well supported as a new mother. Maybe it was the lack of feeling involved in our sex life. I still loved my husband, but I was not feeling sexual. He would sometimes reminisce in kind of a complainy way how I wouldn't do certain things any longer. Eventually, after the second baby, our sex life died. I died a little bit. And we were apart for 6 months. Not in a separated from marriage way, just physically in two different states. Sure he would visit. During those visits we would mostly fight and I did not want to have sex with him. I started to feel like the rest of my life would be spent in a loving, passionless relationship. That nineteen year old in me was dead.
Then came Jack White and my lustful fantasies of you. Always in my other fantasies, it would be my husband doing things, and making me feel things. Often these were things that other men had done or made me feel. But I enjoyed fantasies of you and your nineteenism. I needed to remember the good from nineteen and center my thoughts on how to make that happen again.
So we've been trying. And sometimes its there and sometimes its not. Really, lots of knowledge faded over the years of having babies and we needed to start all the way at the beginning. Even his kiss was missing something primal. I know he lusts for me, but has difficulty expressing it.
Last night I had insomnia at the right time. The last few days, really, have been a time of clarity in the early hours of the morning. And clarity came. What would bring the feeling of passion back to our kiss. The steps to teaching him to please me and stimulate different areas. The feeling of power and excitement in pleasing him. We were in a hotel and the kids were together in the other queen sized bed. We never have regular bed alone any more. I had to go under the sheets to wake him up to share. He woke up. We spent a long time just kissing. Passionate kisses. I found my voice to give instructions and express lustful pleasure. Small "lessons" combined with passion instead of feeling clinical. Around 5 a.m., on the bathroom counter, exhaustion hit me. So my knight finished by stimulating himself while caressing me dozing in cool bath. I felt perfection in that moment. I wanted him to feel me and masturbate. Over the years, despite the downturn in sex, we became good friends. We are going to be together forever... and it is going to be fun. Sometimes I will be nineteen.
Thank you, Jack White, for bringing the good of nineteen back to my thoughts. Thank you for kick-starting this journey of sexual discovery within my marriage. Thank you for being eternally nineteen, at least in my head.
Sincerely,
Sometimes 30, sometimes 19.
Dear Mr. White,
I often wondered what it is about you that feeds my lustful crush. As you are a celebrity, this crush in no way was going to damage my marriage. However it did exert an effect. I don't usually have celebrity crushes. Sure, I may appreciate the male human form that embodies strength and power, but when it comes to fantasizing my thoughts return to my husband. I love him. Then you entered my fantasies. What is it about you? Finally I realized.
You always seem to be nineteen. Years don't seem to matter. Nineteen describes your vigor, your intensity. Nineteen. At nineteen I was, well lets say promiscuous. I reveled in the power of sex. Conquest and lust drove my socializing. Smells. As I've aged and had children, the memories of sadness permeate that time in my life. I was, internally, very sad as I fucked and belittled men. In the midst of all that sadness, I was rescued. A true rescue by a knight in shining armor. He came and showed me that real men don't hide from conflict. Real men come back, show up, stay. He listened. He saw who I was and stayed.
I always swore I would not be one of those to let having kids get in the way of wild sex. Circumstances combined to prove otherwise. First off, my knight came to me with very little sexual experience or innate knowledge. This was not a concern at first, because it was often discussed that I would be the right fit to draw and train the sexual animal in any man. Right after getting married we started trying for a baby. I was eight months pregnant on our first anniversary. Unlike the stories I heard all my life, I lost any and all vaginal feeling as my pregnancy progressed. Also, I was a bitch. Well mostly. Progesterone and I are not friends. Despite lack of feeling, we continued to have regular sexual activity on his request.
Maybe the resentment started when I was not well supported as a new mother. Maybe it was the lack of feeling involved in our sex life. I still loved my husband, but I was not feeling sexual. He would sometimes reminisce in kind of a complainy way how I wouldn't do certain things any longer. Eventually, after the second baby, our sex life died. I died a little bit. And we were apart for 6 months. Not in a separated from marriage way, just physically in two different states. Sure he would visit. During those visits we would mostly fight and I did not want to have sex with him. I started to feel like the rest of my life would be spent in a loving, passionless relationship. That nineteen year old in me was dead.
Then came Jack White and my lustful fantasies of you. Always in my other fantasies, it would be my husband doing things, and making me feel things. Often these were things that other men had done or made me feel. But I enjoyed fantasies of you and your nineteenism. I needed to remember the good from nineteen and center my thoughts on how to make that happen again.
So we've been trying. And sometimes its there and sometimes its not. Really, lots of knowledge faded over the years of having babies and we needed to start all the way at the beginning. Even his kiss was missing something primal. I know he lusts for me, but has difficulty expressing it.
Last night I had insomnia at the right time. The last few days, really, have been a time of clarity in the early hours of the morning. And clarity came. What would bring the feeling of passion back to our kiss. The steps to teaching him to please me and stimulate different areas. The feeling of power and excitement in pleasing him. We were in a hotel and the kids were together in the other queen sized bed. We never have regular bed alone any more. I had to go under the sheets to wake him up to share. He woke up. We spent a long time just kissing. Passionate kisses. I found my voice to give instructions and express lustful pleasure. Small "lessons" combined with passion instead of feeling clinical. Around 5 a.m., on the bathroom counter, exhaustion hit me. So my knight finished by stimulating himself while caressing me dozing in cool bath. I felt perfection in that moment. I wanted him to feel me and masturbate. Over the years, despite the downturn in sex, we became good friends. We are going to be together forever... and it is going to be fun. Sometimes I will be nineteen.
Thank you, Jack White, for bringing the good of nineteen back to my thoughts. Thank you for kick-starting this journey of sexual discovery within my marriage. Thank you for being eternally nineteen, at least in my head.
Sincerely,
Sometimes 30, sometimes 19.
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